Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
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When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit