[eulogy]
line?
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*