Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
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I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Gemma Correll
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[loses house key, starts a new life]
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.