Gemma Correll
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
They got Raph!
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.