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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.