Gemma Correll
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Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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Going to pronounce fecal like decal
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.