Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
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I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
#Caturday
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.