Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

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– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”


they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome


I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”


[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*


I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”


I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning


The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.


It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.


[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”