“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
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Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
me hitting on a model
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.