Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
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for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze