This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
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Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
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Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???