This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
You Might Also Like
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away