How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
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Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
secret recipe
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.