My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
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Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?