I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”