If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
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My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
The three genders.
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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them