If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
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People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..