If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
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Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I missed you with all my darts
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.