I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Wednesday
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Ain’t no way
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.