“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
me making someone eat a chip with my mind