@5hael
@atanenhaus Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
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@atanenhaus 
@KingRainhead Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
@dogfather [getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
@the_hawlk SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
@MooseAllain A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
@6SenseIsCommon “Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
@BacklineNurse [inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
@HuffPostComedy Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
@WheelTod Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
@gojarbe [gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway