If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
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I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.