If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.