If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
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I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy