If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

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Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.


All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.


I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.


*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*


Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.


If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.


“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?


After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies


Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Me: No. But my wife did!