@5hael

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

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@mugkip

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

@Shariv67

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

@noog

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

@MoistPork

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

@SweetBlueNote

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

@TravLeBlanc

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

@Halbeerz

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

@imVig

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!