I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.