You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
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Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Oh thanks BBC.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Google Pay be like:
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.