You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*