My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
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Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*