i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
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what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.