Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
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I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?