@RodLacroix

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

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@T_Bonezzz_

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

@bigpoppadrunk

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

@theNuzzy

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

@SonOfCha

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

@nojeshua

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

@Tbone7219

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

@secondofhername

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

@Annekinns

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

@Darlainky

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.