Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

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I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too


Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it


Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.


You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.


I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.


My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.


Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.


You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac


What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.