My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
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My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
KFC hitting the cannibal market
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
what day is it?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
birds and squirrels envy us
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes