She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
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me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody