You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
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[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up