The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.