If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?