Scream sneezers need love too.
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If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
buys donuts instead
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young