buys donuts instead
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Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Solving a traffic jam
the only bumper sticker ill allow