If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
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You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.