you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
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My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
🙄😏😂🤣
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?