She wasn鈥檛 matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 馃檮馃槀
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911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Mornin
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My kids are out of town so I鈥檓 going to get wild and drink my coffee while it鈥檚 still hot.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Watch James Cameron鈥檚 spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could鈥檝e been an e-mail
鈥gain.
(Now in theaters)
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!