you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?