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Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.