A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
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In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
My Sentiments Exactly
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day