Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay