Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
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My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Cause of death: Zumba
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?