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My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.