Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
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Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.