me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.