IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
wut hotdog?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap