IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
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Omg like wtf
-me, praying
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Haha good job!!
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[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
i wish i could marry a nap
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
What my back needs
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.