Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Life hack
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.