Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing