Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.