Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you