A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
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Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
lmfao come on
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings