[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
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Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
just having fun
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
It’s the weekend y’all
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*