the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
You Might Also Like
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Autocorrect is my menesis
January has been Januweary
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
when someone compliments me
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Warm pools make me nervous.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow