when someone compliments me
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003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I hope this email finds you in a well
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
There’s no “us” in nachos.