Shower sex be like:
You Might Also Like
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Ron is short for Aaronald
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
He died doing what he loved: being alive
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.