Nailed it…ποΈππ
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Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Iβm really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’sβ’
Iβve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
A customer told me they were never coming backβ¦.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think Iβm loud. His response βWell itβs very easy to hear youβ¦β
???????????????????????
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
Iβm very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and thatβs what causes forest fires.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and theyβre just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis π
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
i donβt know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want