When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
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Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
hi why am I like this
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.