Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…